The Finer Points of Unconditional Love

Seems unconditional love has some conditions:

“This sofa is mine. No one touches my toys.

And I have dibs on ALL the popcorn on
God’s green acre.”

These are just the deal breakers, of course.
But let me conclude with the finer points of
loving a dog as follow:

“You touch my toenails, I will,
forthwith, being of sound mind
and body, regrettably, have words
with you, i.e., growl, expose
my teeth and break skin. And
should dinner not come an hour
earlier every day, and if the
seven-eighths of the bed that I’ve
declared mine by my right as
the unconditional lover, not be upheld,
I will cry and eat books, not necessarily
in that order. All that being said,
I love you without conditions.”